Ahhh, mothers. Perpetually retarded, ignorant and self important. Is there anything more annoying than a woman who thinks being a mother is a unique accomplishment? I get it, it's nice for you. You had a kid, something that may not ever happen again in your life, and if it does, it won't be very often. But for everyone else on the outside looking in (or just me, I don't know), don't care. Do not give a shit. I don't care about your kid's first smile, any less than I care about your kid's first time picking his nose. There have been 100 billion people ever to have lived on this planet, so yours is not special to me. If, for some bizarre reason, I actually do care about the first time your kid shit his nappy, I'll ask you about it. Because sometimes people do care. But one person is not every person.
Social media has really mucked up my latent inability to give a shit about other people because it constantly puts those people IN MY FACE. And I am not critical of that, because that is obviously the point of social media. But it also gives those people a platform to throw the things they think are important my way, and frankly, they are very rarely important to me. Scrap booking your kid's life is a noble and fine gesture, but it is should also a private one. I don't want to see a picture of your son's swollen testicles the moment after you gave birth to him because that is none of my business. I don't need a reminder of the fact that you are a mother over and over. I don't like condescending posts about how no one knows true hard work until you have been a mother, because I am pretty sure I am handicapped in that respect. I don't appreciate being told I will forever be incapable of understanding true hard work. Just because I can't do what ANY WOMAN CAN DO (not withstanding those woman who are incapable of having children, of which I do apologise to) doesn't mean I work any less hard than those woman with functioning reproductive organs. I work two jobs and I go to university, but because I don't wipe the boogers off've the nose of a kid I accidentally had means I am some lazy person. It's an unfair assessment. Who made you king judge over who works hard? Tell me, are you looking after your kids ALL THE TIME? Do they go to childcare? Are those childcare workers not hard workers because even though they look after YOUR kids, they are not THEIR kids? Give me a break.
And another thing. Don't refer to yourself in the third person as 'Mummy'. It's not cute. You aren't my mother so unless you taught your infant how to access Facebook, it also doesn't make sense. Mummy is tired you say? Point me in the direction of someone who isn't tired and I'll ask them their secret. Perhaps if you didn't send your kids to bed at 5 in the afternoon they wouldn't be up the next morning at 4, and you wouldn't find your own sleep pattern so royally screwed to the point where you are always tired. Being a parent is exhausting? Teach your kids to behave better and stop being uncontrollable shits so that you don't feel the need to follow them around everywhere to ensure they don't break something. Babies sleep, shit, cry or eat. Figure it out! You put them in a pram when you want to go somewhere, or you leave them in something to sleep in when you are at home. And speaking prams, why do you all feel the need to get THE BIGGEST PRAM EVER?! I'm serious. Your infant is tiny. You don't need a tank to push through a food court. There is not mortars going off in the background. You will survive with a much smaller pram taking up much less space.
I'm not a parent. Maybe I won't understand parents until I am one. But I don't like parents. I recently had a discussion with a good friend of mine who did just recently become a parent for the first time and we discussed this. He appreciated the fact that I hated hearing about people's children, but just said to him, it was different. It was his son. He did, however, concede that whilst everything his son did may seem important to him, others wouldn't care. And that's all I want people to know. Your baby is special. To you. Not to me. Probably not to 90% of the people you know. So don't spend all day telling me about them. I didn't care before, and I won't care after.
Xoxo Oink
