If you liked it, then you should have put a #hashtag on it

Fashion is a peculiar beast. For some reason, people really care about what other people are wearing. I mean, I usually keep half an eye on fashion trends to see if anything vaguely resembles
So I was bumbling around Instagram the other day as I usually do when I am so bored, and I looked up the people option in the search function. However, the vast majority of "people" I found were not actually people, but instead clothing brands, and would be designers and models advertising these clothing brands. What? It feels as though the true purpose of Instagram has been lost. It is rather disappointing that Instagram has become such a vehicle for shitty clothing brands who can't market themselves properly in a real format, so they instead clog up picture feeds with their usually trash products, hoping to attach themselves to the socially slower members of society who need to garner their fashion sense from 2 square-inch images on social networking sites. What's next, believing those legit Facebook shoe ads?

Now, I am obviously aware of women and the asinine love of telling people of their "outfits of the day" (and maybe some men too, but none that I know). I don't really understand this practice. When I step outside, looking great and feeling like a million bucks, I sure as hell don't want Blinky Bill the Instagram chump to try and steal all the hard effort I went into finding a great combination of shirt AND shorts by then just aping it without all the hard effort I put in. And let us be honest, no one quite pulls off an outfit like I do, so the practice in of itself would be quite useless. Furthermore, by constantly updating my adoring Instagram followers (hey, I hit triple digits!) of my day to day look, I destroy the allure of people actually seeing me personally every day and constantly being surprised by what amazing outfit I pull out. I really have a deep bag of tricks. No, I did not wear this shirt yesterday, I have no idea what you are talking about. But women seem to not think like me, strangely enough. Their outfit of a the day just seems to be a way of showing off a selfie under the pretense of guiding people towards an enlightenment of which is their far superior fashion sense.



Outfit of the day: Free Willy

Unfortunately, most people don't have good fashion. Following trends blindly does not equate to having a good sense of style. So instead, I am subjected to shitty 'outfit of the day' posts that I do not care about, from people who are wearing outfits that don't even look good! I cannot help but laugh when people then tag the brands of the clothes they are wearing too, like, plebs, I am wearing a Billabong bikini. Yeah, Billabong. A brand created on the Gold Coast, the doofus capital of the world. Hey, maybe if I was still a 12-year old loser who thought Billabong was a relevant brand I'd give a flying shit about your Billabong bikini, you dumb girl. But instead, I, like the rest of the world, think surf-related brands are no longer cool, essentially making the Billabong label absolutely "worthless" (http://www.theage.com.au/business/earnings-season/billabong-brand-worthless-as-loss-blows-out-20130827-2smxx.html). So if you are going to hashtag your clothing brands like someone gives a shit, better make sure it is a brand that is worth more than a used handkerchief. And even then, just don't. #MyCalvins? Well isn't that riveting. You are wearing an incredibly ugly pair of underpants that I imagine Mormon parents give their kids to scare others away from trying to disrobe them.


Protecting kid's virginity since 1968

"But Rhys, you wear Calvin Klein underwear, you silly nitwit LOL". Well yes, I do. I don't wear them because they look cool though. They go under my pants, you see. I wear them because they are comfortable! And not even the cotton ones, which are still as balls awful as your cheap shit Bonds underwear. I wear micro-weave pairs, because my nethers deserve a more gentle touch. And as far as I am aware, I have yet to make an Instagram post about #MyCalvins, so...

I think the point I am trying to make here is... I hate what Instagram has become. A tool for the arrogant and the socially needy. I don't want to see how you look today. I want to see what you are doing today. I don't want to see what you have eaten today. I want to see where you have gone today. I like to use Instagram as a vehicle to showing you some of the zanier things I do and think throughout my days. My life isn't inherently exciting, but sometimes something just happens that perfectly encapsulates the kind of day that I am having. And hey, sometimes I like to show off my mug too, just to tease the fans a little bit. But I want my photos to feel natural, like a spur of the moment, this is a bit of fun kind of way, not manufactured like some 'outfit of the day' post that definitively has a lot of people hanging off the edge of their seat for. "What is Rhys wearing today? Oooh #HisCalvins? How exciting! Just like yesterday!" Maybe I am alone in all this vitriol aimed towards outfit sharing. Maybe people really do care what other people are wearing that day. But irrespective, I shall endeavour to continue using Instagram for what it is truly meant for: pictures of my sister's dog.

#Rhys

P.S. I said Instagram nine times in this post. Ooh, ten!

The girl with two breasts.

"Personalities are the framework to a women's breasts." - Rhys van Beurden

I don't even know what that means. But I do like me some breasts. And do you know what I hate? I hate it when an attractive lady takes a photo of themselves, and it isn't at some ridiculous angle designed to give me (and my fellow internet perverts) a glean of their magnificent mammaries. Isn't that what cameras were designed to do? Who even cares about anything else? Do women have faces? I feel as though they sure don't want us to know that they do, not when they have those two melons attached to their front. I know absolutely nothing about photography outside of the fact that my phone has a camera attached to the back of it that I use to take photos of women's breasts. But I have been lead to believe that there is a particular camera model currently on the market that in named the GoPro. I assume that it is named as such because the girls who use them (what guy would use one?) are attempting to go professional in their soft core porn career. What better way to audition then by highlighting your wares with a cheap, yet high quality camera? You go, girl!

I love a bit of variety in my breasts as well. I mean, there is always plenty of regular lingerie photographs being taken (thank you, Victoria's Secret!), and hell, a short trip down the M1 will give me access to dozens of women wearing barely-there bikinis. However, with there being a steady upswing of people absolutely, 100% legitimately interested in going to the gym, this has given rise to the gym selfie, which, naturally, occurs when the girl is in a sports bra, because, BREASTS! Lorna Jane, I salute you. And sometimes a girl will just forego the usual B.S. and simply go to the gym in a bra because, you guessed it, BREASTS! Let's be honest here, a man's life is centered around his getting a peak at as many breasts as possible, and all I can say is ladies, you are doing a fantastic job and leaving no one disappointed.


I'm thirsty.

I'm sure you have all seen the above image; it has been floating around for a while now. I think it perfectly highlights the broad distinction between societal standards from the time I was born to the present. Caitlin Stasey, some Z-grade actress who was once on Neighbours or something, recently opened up a website designed to empower (volunteering) women by literally showing off photographs of themselves naked. I'm not even joking. I mean, I usually miss the point of feminist related complaints and rants and stuff because I don't care, but let's face it, it piqued my interest because there was boobs involved. Doing some vague research that amounted to me mainly looking at the pictures on the website, I was confused to learn that the entire point of the website was women empowerment, mainly the reclamation of the female body. I can't help but feel as though this is a very backwards way in which to get this message across.

As I have so eloquently put it across throughout this post, men like naked women. I understand that the point of the website is to put across this sense of empowerment of womanhood with wonderful tales from several women, but that message becomes so muddied when it is surrounded by pictures of these women then naked. Is the message that women have become objectified by men throughout the ages, so let us show them by being naked? Isn't that why men objectify women, because they love looking at them naked? I don't even know! The more I think about it, the more in circles I feel I am going, and the more confused I get. Let's be honest, would anyone give half a toss if this didn't have pictures of Stasey herself, primarily because of Australia's odd fascination with Z-grade celebrities? Furthermore, could the girl come across as any more petulant throughout her interview? Just whining about some imaginary slight against her from men the world over. Girl, grow up. Stop picking fights with Bindi Irwin and every man ever. And put some clothes on. Or don't. Whatever.


xoxo A Man